“I sought the Lord, and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears” (Ps 34:5).
When my family and I were homeless and living in our car in 1983, every day was filled with overpowering fear. I was in some way crippled by fear, rendering me helpless and unable to fight back. I worried daily that we would not be able to find enough food from the garbage to eat that day. I feared my six children would go hungry. One day I was standing in the dumpster behind a store looking for food when I was overwhelmed by the thought that I am feeding my family garbage and they could get very sick eating it. Once again I was frozen with fear.
At night trying to sleep in the car my fear would bubble up inside me as I wondered what if we never escape being homeless? I started crying and it all looked so hopeless. The list is long of the fears that attack when you are homeless. In a way, it felt like fear became as normal as breathing.
When at long last we escaped being homeless and moved into our own place, I was filled with joy that the nightmare had at last ended. I recall saying it over and over again that we made it out of the darkness.
What if we never escape being homeless?
But fear once again reminded me who was in charge, and it was not me. I would go to bed at night with the horrible memories of being homeless and on the streets. I would wake in the morning filled with the fear that it might happen again. I wish I could say the torture stopped there, but it did not. When I enrolled my children in school, one of the women in the office asked, “Have I met you before?” Fear seized hold and I barely answered no. Perhaps she saw us living in our car or maybe standing outside with a sign. She might tell other people that we had been homeless. If the children in school found out they would tease and make fun of my children. If you were homeless it is best to keep it a secret to avoid judgment by others.
The fear of someone finding out that you had been homeless leaves you fighting a battle every day. I remember all too well the people who pointed their fingers and laughed at my family while we lived in the car. I still felt the sting of their rejection as they would cross to the other side of the street to avoid getting too close to me as I stood with a sign hoping for help.
I have nightmares of people driving by me and my sign, screaming horrible things
I have nightmares of people driving by me and my sign, screaming horrible things at me. The lesser words were bum, trash, lazy, good for nothing. Every time I remember the people who threw cups of Coke at me hitting me in the face, I begin to shiver in fear; the young men who threw a hamburger at me and yelled as it hit the ground, “Lick it up like a dog.” It is not easy to forget the abuse that occurs when you are homeless. It will leave you fearful that people will discover your secret, and everything starts all over again.
Even after we settled into our new home, I avoided contact with others, thinking it was for the best. My fear held me in bondage and left me very much alone. It was a different story before being homeless. I used to love meeting new people and saw it as an opportunity to gain a new friend. Going to dinner at a friend’s house was something I looked forward to. When I took my children to school, it was a thrill talking to the other mothers about our kids. My life before and after homelessness was as different as night and day. Poverty took me into darkness and fear locked me away and threw away the key.
I forced myself to go to church one Sunday. I sat in the back so I could leave quickly before anyone could talk to me. I prayed and talked to God. I could not continue any longer, carrying this fear with me. I asked God to help me and take away my fears. At that moment a man stood up and started telling the congregation that he had a drinking problem and used drugs in the past. My first thought: He made a big mistake telling everyone his secret.
He shared how God helped him overcome his addiction by standing up to it and seeking the help he needed. I watched as the people in that church reached out to him with love. I felt that God was speaking to me at that moment, telling me to stand up to my fear. As I left the church, I reminded myself that with God all things are possible. The next few weeks, reading my Bible and praying gave me the strength I needed to overcome my fear and trust that God is with me.
The love I felt in that room was overwhelming. There was no rejection or judgment.
One Sunday, as I stood up to tell my story, my knees were shaking and my mouth was dry. I took a deep breath, and with God by my side I spoke. I watched the reaction from the people and saw compassion in their eyes. Fear began to lose its grip as I continued talking. The love I felt in that room was overwhelming. Tears ran down my face. There was no rejection or judgment. I have never forgotten that day. I was able to climb out of the pit that fear placed me in. God had freed me.
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