Over the past year my daughter and I have had a fair number of conversations about the sacrament of confirmation. They began when I realized that, for economic reasons, she was not going to attend a Catholic high school, as had always been my plan for her. As we were discussing the possibility of going to an excellent public high school, I emphatically told her that I still expected her to go to confirmation classes at our parish and be confirmed. She kind of nodded along and mumbled a quiet and lackluster “OK.”
My daughter has attended the same Catholic school since kindergarten; and as she prepared to graduate from eighth grade, I brought up the topic of confirmation with greater frequency and urgency. Her response these days has been much more animated and emphatic. I could tell she had been thinking about the topic herself. Finally, she said outright: “Mom, I don’t want to be confirmed. Really, you’re going to make me go through with something that I am not sure I believe in?”
Whoa! Here we go, I thought, down the rabbit hole of theological discussions with a teenager. I was slow and thoughtful to respond, telling her that I view confirmation classes as faith formation, and that I believe it is important for her to still receive instruction in our Catholic faith, especially since she wouldn’t be taking any religion classes at her public high school. Additionally, as I had told her many times before, my hope is that she believes in a higher power (she knows that for me that higher power is Jesus), and that she comes to realize that there is more to life than just being born, living and dying.
As I pondered this quandary—whether to force her to attend confirmation classes and possibly insist on her receiving the sacrament of confirmation—I began to ask myself why I so strongly desired this for her. What came to me was that I want her to receive the gifts of the Holy Spirit, whom I often think of as a neglected aspect of the Trinity. But for me, the Holy Spirit is the silent, sturdy bedrock of my life, ever present and working tirelessly in the background for my greatest good. When I am unsure of what to do, I find myself chanting, “Veni Sancte Spiritus,” “Come Holy Spirit.” I invoke the Holy Spirit to come into my life, and just the process of asking brings me calm and reassurance. I view the Holy Spirit as a gift, freely given, whose sole purpose is to provide guidance and protection.
During her first and second years in high school, my daughter will attend confirmation classes at our parish. I believe this will give her space to learn, question, discern and dissect her faith in the company of her peers. She will hear what her friends believe or don’t believe and why, and listening to others’ experience of Jesus/faith can be very powerful. I would bet good money that my daughter is not now having any conversation with her friends about the work of God in her life (preferring instead topics like skin care, thrift finds, boys and books), so confirmation class will be a healthy, safe space in which those conversations could take place. My hope is that the confirmation classes will continue to lay the foundation of a faith that began the day she was born, providing her exposure and education to the work of the Holy Spirit.
In pondering whether or not my daughter would receive the sacrament of confirmation, I realized that this decision was much bigger than just one sacrament, which she can receive at any point in her life. This was about my long term hopes and prayers for her. My deepest desires for my daughter include a belief system that gives her roots, trust in a high power, whom she can thank for the small daily miracles of life; the faith that a loving God has her back, that she will feel supported by others when life is hard, when life is joyous, when life is ordinary and ho-hum, when life is lonely; and that she will find a community with whom she can celebrate her faith.
As a parent, I want to pass on the wisdom and positive aspects of my faith that have worked for me and leave behind those things that were harmful or not helpful. I want her to know that my relationship with Jesus—my faith and trust in him, my receiving the Eucharist—is the core and glue of my life that manifests itself in amazing ways, and I hope and pray that she finds a faith that will work for her. I received the gift of faith from my parents, and that is one of the best gifts they ever gave me; so I want to pass that gift on to her.
That same gift has sustained me completely and profoundly in countless ways thus far in my life and I hope my daughter knows that. I tell her often that without Jesus, I don’t know how I would have survived the tragedy and hardship in my life, including a challenging yet rewarding time as a Peace Corps volunteer in Armenia, my father’s murder when I was 28, my mother’s eight-year battle with ovarian cancer, a stillborn son (my daughter’s brother) and a challenging divorce. She also knows, I hope, Jesus has been there in the many and mini miracles and blessings of my life, foremost among them the gift of her life.
The more I have thought and prayed over this looming decision about confirmation, I realized that I will not insist that my daughter be confirmed. I worry that to force this step in her faith journey could do lasting damage. I had hoped she would want to be confirmed, but I also know that this step in her faith journey is not about me. In order for her to truly embrace her faith as an adult she must have the freedom to make her own choices. I can continue to offer guidance, but the journey is hers.
We are still some way off from when she must make her decision. In the meantime, I will continue to share with my daughter examples of how Jesus is showing up for me. I hope she can see by how I live my life that I believe God loves me and that she knows God loves her too. Ultimately, she will choose what she believes. As a parent, I want to expose her to the pure gift that Jesus is in my life. Even though I may struggle with her decision, I am consoled in my belief in that old maxim:,“Bidden or not, God is present.” God will be with my daughter throughout her life. I hope she will seek and recognize that presence.
