She was recently released from prison, on parole, working two jobs. She is 36 years old, living with her mother and teenage daughter—and dating for the first time in years. She calls me, and I can tell something has happened. Her pain reverberates through the phone.
She can barely form the words. “I’m pregnant. I can’t tell my mother,” she sobs. “It will kill her. And my daughter, she can’t know.” Plus, one condition of parole is no “contact” with the opposite sex.
I knew she would ask me to make the arrangements. She knew I would help. I promised I would be there for her, no matter what. Although I feel my stomach twist, I make the phone calls and set up the appointments.
We are to arrive on Thursday morning for the first two trips to the clinic. She is told to bring a urine sample, a $150 money order and a photo ID. They will examine her and confirm her pregnancy. Then they will schedule the “procedure” for Saturday.
I am as close as can be to a table-banging feminist left over from the ’60s. It is her body, I tell myself. She has the right. It is rotten timing. This could ruin her chances for fixing her life. I think all this, but I was raised a strict Roman Catholic and so conflicting thoughts rattle around in my brain, so loud and uncomfortable, like marbles in a tin can.
There is an indefinable cloud around me, an uneasiness, a loss of the carefree attitude of my youth when I, too, thought of abortion as “just a procedure.”
Still, I am going to do this. I counseled her through prison and became her friend and promised I would be there for her when she got out. I am going to hold her hand, put her in my bed overnight while she recuperates, lie to her mother about our having a “girls night out” and even loan her the money to help pay for it. Yet there is an indefinable cloud around me, an uneasiness, a loss of the carefree attitude of my youth when I, too, thought of abortion as “just a procedure” or “just another option.”
What are her options? She can barely pay the utility bill, let alone raise a child. She is emotionally immature and cannot afford the expense or time of counseling. What about adoption? Her daughter is engaged, and my friend says she cannot further alienate her daughter by waddling down the aisle as mother of the bride in a maternity outfit with no husband in sight.
I promised when she got out of prison that if she worked hard and gave up drugs, her life would be better. It is so hard to see room in that plan for an infant. She simply succumbed to a man’s touch after years of hunger and celibacy, and her body became pregnant.
She is here now, lying in my bed in a restless sleep. I am sitting on a chair, numb, thinking about my part in this event, this loss.
After the procedure, on our way home, she is groggy, feeling a little depressed. I say, in a feeble attempt to console her: “Well, you did it. It’s over.”
“No,” she says. “We did it. Thank you.”
But what did we do?
Before the procedure the doctor came in, looked at his clipboard and asked how far along she was. She told him a little over eight weeks. He said, “Oh, it may take a little longer than expected because we want to make sure we get it all.” Like it was dirt on the kitchen floor, I think.
She is here now, lying in my bed in a restless sleep. I am sitting on a chair, numb, thinking about my part in this event, this loss. I wanted to be faithful to a good friend, which in this case required ignoring my gut and convincing myself that my friend’s abortion was nothing more than the vacuuming out an eight-week-old glob of cells. But what do I believe? What does it mean to be faithful? What was this if not murder by another name?
The comparison may sound superficial, even flip, but one of the reasons I am a vegetarian is because I so strongly believe that we can live without destroying life. And when I pray, I make it a point to stare into the face of Jesus, asking him to accompany me in my life’s decisions.
So here I am. So here I am.
God forgive me.
Do not beat yourself up here.It is unrealistic to mandate that young women released from prison not have contact with men. In fact, it is downright stupid and unenforceable. What if instead of making an unrealistic demand, the prison infirmary set her up with a long-acting reversible contraceptive. Your friend cannot be the only woman who has succumbed to her sexuality and become pregnant. Your next step may be to take her to a doctor to get contraception so she does not get pregnant again. America is back in the Middle Ages...OMG, asking women to not have contact with men. I wonder if men who are released from prison are given the same mandate?
Attaching shame to unwed pregnancy is a cause of abortion, as is the inadequate level of support for families with children.
Reading that a condition of parole for a woman, is that she can have no contact with men, was shocking . I can see how a violent man [rapist or domestic abuser] on parole would be barred from contact with women, but unless we are talking about some aberrant psychological condition; extreme hostility towards men which resulted in a crime against a man,[ qua man; a hate crime] I just don't get the legality or prudence or reasoning, of placing such a burdensome ridiculous condition on a woman ! If someone wants an abortion, it is legal to get an abortion for any reason. So invoking this condition of parole, as a factor in her decision is what was truly shocking in your otherwise poignant narrative ,Charlotte. With that said, best wishes for healing for your friend, and may the peace of Christ be with you both going forward.
Charlotte, promising to help someone in trouble doesn't include helping them to take innocent human life. Will you help her terminate her next pregnancy? Yes, being there for her was the right thing to do; but you did it in the wrong way.
you are the problem.
Rhett, I applaud your courage. I am a woman and am very intimidated by the proponents of pro-choice who claim the higher ground of friendship, respect, support, etc.
Charlotte, to accompany someone in dire need takes great faith. Lack of faith ties God's hands. How can we experience miracles when our faith is limited to our friendship, and that friendship discounts the law of God? We crave the immediate relief of our tensions and solution of our problems denying God's desire and promise to be with us, to walk with us in those very situations.
Yes, there you are.
Many of us, some of us often, are in the same state as you just after we have committed a grave mortal sin and are trying to argue ourselves out of culpability.
The teaching is clear, do no abortion as there is no time that the person who is conceived is not a person and that person has done nothing to earn execution.
You are in precisely the position in need of reconciliation the way we others have been and again, the way for you is already marked out.
First, admit your culpable guilt without excuse or reservation.
Confess it without justification or embellishment.
Truly accept that it was absolutely wrong without any mind games
Ask for absolution.
Do the reparation, the penance prescribed.
Resolve to NEVER do that again.
Jim, your superior sense of morality is a hateful and vicious thing. You embody the scripture " “The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. Therefore whatever they tell you to observe, that observe and do, but do not do according to their works; for they say, and do not do. For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders" Repent of your empty words Jim and seek gods forgiveness or you will be like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Do not forfeit you soul over your misguided sense of morality.
Jim, I completely agree. Jesus, through His unworthy vessel, the priest is waiting to hear her confession.
This is almost overwhelming with the amount of conflict and guilt and pain. Honestly? I don't know what I would do for a friend.
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As you implied, if you really believed that it was just vacuuming out a blob of cells it wouldn't be a moral question at all for you (or for anyone). A lot of times we get in trouble when we ignore our gut.
I am horrified by this justification of what is definitely murder.
Yes, it was great that she helped her friend. This did NOT help her friend. Now not only is she entering the outside world unsure of her relationship with her daughter, but she has killed her other child.
Even IF an 8 week old embryo was just a clump of cells it does not make this better.
I am not an old white man. I am a 40-something year old woman who is ONLY here because Roe vs Wade was a little too late. My first cousins weren’t so lucky.
When will we wake up and stop blaming men for all of this??
Unless she was forced, she was aware of her situation. Aware of potential fertility.
How do you think her adult daughter would feel if she knew her only sibling was killed so her mother didn’t look bad in a dress????
Adoption is not easy, my mother is adopted and it isn’t without issues.
For Gods sake, though, the ONE GOOD THING to happen to this women and she threw it away.
This baby could have changed her life for the better, it could have changed her motivations, her self worth. Given her a second chance to be a mom.
Instead, her “friend” helped her remove the “problem”.
Except the problem wasn’t the baby.
I agree, this woman could have been helped by Birthright or a Crisis Pregnancy Center. I wish she had been driven to one instead. There is hope!
Yes, so there you are. You may think you have helped your friend but the pain she will carry for ending her baby's life is something she will bear for the rest of her life. Doing what is expedient at all costs is a huge mistake. In this case, an innocent life was taken. I am sorry for all of you.
Jane Wagner:
When writing about Charlotte’s friend, you commented, “the pain she will carry for ending her baby's life is something she will bear for the rest of her life.” It is truth that many women do feel that way. However, we cannot claim all women do. We would not allege that millions of people react the same way on any issue. Nor can we assert that millions of women react the same to having an abortion.
Numerous women feel very relieved, think it was the best decision for them, and never regret it. Conversely, there are women who did not have an abortion when they wanted to and spent the rest of their lives frustrated, angry, or unhappy that they had to have the baby and raise it. Yes, I know, adoption is available. Many women, for a variety of reasons, cannot give their child up for adoption. Some women state they mourned the adoption more than an earlier abortion.
People who declare all women who had an abortion feel regret for their whole lives, demonstrate that they do not know women very well. One wonders if someone should be commenting on this matter at all when one is so unaware of all the issues involved. We diminish women when we try to fit them into one mind. Their reactions to abortion are many and varied.