After a few trial runs at choosing a path in life, I had to take a step back and reflect on what was most important to me. I turned to my faith and what I had learned from my Jesuit education, the Ignatian values I had stored away, never knowing I would need to call on them again.
In what career could I find God in all things, embrace cura personalis (care for the whole person), live up to the ideal of being “men and women for and with others” and serve a faith that does justice? I began to pray, asking God, “How can I best serve you? How can I do my best to do your work?” The answer became clear: Pursue a vocation as a nurse. Serve God by caring for his people—not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
After finishing nursing school, I began work in labor and delivery at the Pine Ridge Hospital in Pine Ridge, S.D. I was fortunate to be able to serve my Lakota people and share life back home with family as I found my way through this new voyage in my life. As the years went on, I became more comfortable in my role as a nurse through the guidance of people God brought into my life. Each of them taught me lessons and skills that have helped me out in difficult situations. One night, though, all of the Ignatian values, the spiritual wisdom, the answers to my prayers were put to what seemed like a near-impossible test.
Welcoming God’s creation into this world is probably the most satisfying feeling a soul could ever experience.
Working in labor and delivery can be a beautiful job—you are welcoming new life into the world, transporting a being from the spiritual world to the human world. Welcoming God’s creation into this world is probably the most satisfying feeling a soul could ever experience. What I didn’t realize is that there are trying and challenging times too, like when life ends all too soon.
One night, I was assigned to care for a family that would not be experiencing the joy of having a new life placed in their arms. A moment that should be filled with smiles, joy and even awe would be replaced with heartbreak and questions of “why?” The expectant mother would be delivering a stillborn baby, and I was the nurse assigned to their care.
As delivery nurses, we are responsible for monitoring the progression of a mother’s labor, part of which is making sure the fetal heart tones are tolerating the process. In this case, there was no fetal heart tone to monitor. I was only monitoring the mother, attempting to be supportive while also giving her and her husband time to grieve.
“I know you have put me here for a reason, but please be with me while I do my best to take care of this family.”
Once labor has progressed to the stage of delivery, we call in the obstetrician and begin the delivery of a child that had lived only in the womb. After all the necessary documentation is complete—along with the time of delivery and time of death, the baby’s weight and measurements are still taken—the family starts the long journey of mourning their loss.
This was the first time I would be taking care of a patient like this. Nothing I had been taught in nursing school and no prior experience had prepared me for it. I was filled with so many conflicting emotions and thoughts that I was not sure I was ready to take on this task. I was sure I did not have enough experience and knowledge to give this family what they needed in this devastating time. There I was, with this seemingly impossible assignment, and I was contemplating turning it down.
I didn’t. I went on with what I had been called to do. Before entering the patient’s room and introducing myself, probably as a person they would never want to remember, I found myself in a deserted corner of our floor, turning to my faith yet again. I knew my coworkers would always be available should I need any assistance, but spiritually I was so alone.
I began to pray silently but felt that I was more begging God than praying. “God, I know you guided me here to do your work, but I don’t know what to do. I know you have put me here for a reason, but please be with me while I do my best to take care of this family.”
I would not say I knew exactly what to do in the delivery room at that moment, but I felt that I was not alone in the care I was giving the mother.
I then took a deep breath, walked into the room, and at that moment felt I had God at my side. The feeling in the room was thick with sorrowful emotions, and I was still unsure of how to begin our interaction. As soon as I opened my mouth, I felt God take over and lead me to find just the right words. “My name is Kristin, and I’ll be with you tonight.” That was it. With the few words I was guided toward, I felt peace in my heart.
I would not say I knew exactly what to do in the delivery room at that moment, but I felt that I was not alone in the care I was giving the mother. I felt that I had someone by my side, aiding my actions and helping me find words to attempt to comfort a grieving family. Through that experience, I realized something that has played a big role in my nursing career ever since. I have found that, in my work, I am never alone. I have God with me, even when I feel like I have no clue of what to do. I do not have to be afraid of going through trying situations with patients by myself.
I can trust that God will not lead me astray because he was the one that helped me find the best way to serve him. It is not unlike the passage from Joshua: “Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Josh 1:9). His words could not be more fitting for my work.
