In the final days of my wife’s first pregnancy, I found myself frequently “going to Joseph” to try to understand my role at the birth of my son. My wife, Megan, had read several Catholic guides to birth and had begun to glow with the strength and spirit of Mary. She was ready for the spiritual transformation of motherhood.
But I was unprepared for the transformation of fatherhood. The only birth guides that I found for fathers were of little help, reminding me: Don’t pass out and don’t get in the way. So I went to Joseph in an effort to emulate how he behaved during the birth of Jesus.
Luke’s Gospel was unhelpful. The evangelist writes that Mary “gave birth to her firstborn son.” That is it. Luke does not mention contractions, stages of labor or what Mary did with her placenta. Most significantly, for my purposes, he did not mention what St. Joseph did at the scene of the birth.
St. Joseph’s role in Jesus’ birth is largely left to our imagination. Because Luke does not highlight the presence of doulas, midwives or doctors, I thought perhaps that St. Joseph might have delivered Jesus. Maybe he was “the midwife” of the Lord. But, as a Jesuit friend corrected me, such contact would have been unlikely given the “uncleanness of childbirth” (Lv. 12:2).
In the final days of my wife’s first pregnancy, I found myself frequently “going to Joseph” to try to understand my role at the birth of my son.
Without clear instruction from the Gospels, I expanded my search and, using Pope Francis’ apostolic exhortation “The Joy of Love” (“Amoris Laetitia”) as a guide, I identified three actions that a father can perform during birth: pray for, protect and love his wife and child.
First, a husband can pray for his wife during labor and pray over his child after birth. Labor can be scary and painful, and the burden is borne entirely by the mother. St. Maximilian Kolbe says that prayer for another can help those for whom we pray to “find sudden peace and rest.” When my wife went into labor during her first childbirth, it occurred to me around hour 26 that “Perhaps I should be praying for my wife right now.”
I scoured my hospital bag for a rosary but found only my cell phone, my charger, some headphones and my Kindle. (These were all recommended items included on the packing list of the aforementioned “expectant father” book.) Luckily, I have 10 fingers and was able to make my way through the prayers, but the next time I made sure to pack my rosary.
Husbands can also pray for their child after they are born. Pope John Paul II identified birth, among other family events, as an occasion for prayer (“Familiaris Consortio” No. 59). And in the Bible, as soon as Zechariah regained his ability to speak following the birth of his son, John the Baptist, he praised God and blessed his son’s mission (Lk 1: 68-79). Zechariah provides supportive partners with a prayer framework when their child is born.
The evangelist writes that Mary “gave birth to her firstborn son.” That is it. Luke does not mention contractions, stages of labor or what Mary did with her placenta.
Second, a husband can protect his wife by advocating for her health and supporting her birth plan. Pope Francis wrote that “[m]en play an equally decisive role in family life, particularly with regard to the protection and support of their wives and children” (“Joy of Love,” No. 55). St. Zelie Martin, writing about her equally holy husband, St. Louis Martin, explained that “he was always my support and my consolation.”
Following the model of St. Louis Martin, husbands should familiarize themselves with the stages of labor and the potential health complications at each one, so that they can more effectively support their wives. Nurses, doctors and midwives regularly monitor the vital signals of the mother and baby, but they cannot sit continuously with the mother throughout the labor. Husbands can do that.
We can support the medical team by alerting them if an alarm goes off, if the blood pressure looks a little higher than normal, or if the mother appears to be in distress. After watching my wife give birth twice, at the third delivery I knew what to look for and when to call the nurses exclaiming, “The baby is coming, NOW!”
I identified three actions that a father can perform during birth: pray for, protect and love his wife and child.
More than just monitoring the health of his wife, a husband can support her by ensuring her wishes are carried out. Women must make many decisions before and during labor and delivery. They must decide about inductions and epidurals, and a host of other medicines and interventions for themselves and the child. These preferences are usually named beforehand and laid out in a birth plan. Husbands can support their wives by helping them discern and implement their birth plans in real time.
This advice comes with a warning, however: A husband should be cautious that he does not displace his wife’s decisions or become combative with medical staff. Pope John Paul II warned against “machismo” and the “wrong superiority of male prerogatives” (“Familiaris Consortio,” No. 25). And Pope Francis advised fathers not to be “controlling” (“The Joy of Love,” No. 177). After all, birth is “the fruit of a particular creative potential of the female body” (“The Joy of Love,” No. 168). Labor and delivery is an opportunity for a mother to carry a cross in the image of Jesus and to enter into a special relationship with the Blessed Mother. Fathers should support this opportunity, not undermine it.
Childbirth provides a unique opportunity for husbands to display sacrificial love for their wives
Zechariah, again, provides an example. After John was born, the people asked for his name. When Elizabeth said, “John,” they resisted. It was not until Zechariah wrote, “John is his name” that the people relented (Lk 1: 59-63). Zechariah did not choose a name contrary to the one voiced by Elizabeth. He did not antagonize the crowd and admonish them for failing to listen to Elizabeth. Instead, he humbly wrote down the name chosen by God and affirmed his wife. A husband can act similarly during labor and childbirth by simply reiterating his wife’s wishes.
Finally, a husband can love his wife. St. Paul instructed, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her” (Eph 5:25). The love of one’s wife during childbirth is unique. Other support people and medical providers can pray for the mother and care for her safety and well-being, but only a husband can love his wife with the type of love that arises from being joined as “one flesh” (Mt 19:5).
Childbirth provides a unique opportunity for husbands to display sacrificial love for their wives. Husbands can honor their wives’ suffering through childbirth by ignoring their own comparatively minor discomfort to carry on in service of their wife’s needs.
A father-to-be must put aside his fatigue, hunger and other physical challenges to remain by his wife’s side, holding her hand if desired, lifting her if need be and, as in the case of my wife, Megan, refilling her water glass. During these moments, St. Joseph’s example is instructive: husbands should deal with these small discomforts silently. Our wives do not want to hear about the weak hospital coffee or the cardboard-like graham crackers. At least mine did not when I proudly identified to her how little I had eaten in the previous 24 hours of labor.
St. Joseph may not have “caught” Jesus or cut the umbilical cord as I originally hypothesized. But it is likely that St. Joseph, the handpicked foster father of Jesus, prayed for, protected and loved Mary and her newborn son. By doing likewise, husbands can walk in the path of St. Joseph and uniquely participate in the birth of their child.
