I was 7 years old when my parents divorced. If they sat down together to share the news with us, I don’t remember the conversation.
Our family home was eventually sold. Somehow, in the process of preparing the house for fumigation, our beloved family cat got stuck in the tent and subsequently died. I do remember the “Oops, the cat died” talk that my parents had with us. Feeling devastated by my pet’s death further confirmed my childhood intuition about divorce: that this really bad thing leads to other really bad things.
Compared with the aftermath of many divorces, my family was fortunate. My mom, brother and I moved in with my maternal grandparents, who provided a sense of security during the following years. The daily example of their marriage over more than 40 years ultimately validated my own vocational call to family life.
Despite a cultural normalization of divorce, the medical and psychological communities widely recognize parental separation and divorce as what they call an adverse childhood experience. ACEs are correlated with increased anxiety, depression, insomnia and substance use disorder in adults. Research also suggests that adults who have had ACEs are more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors like self-harm and drug or alcohol dependence, as well as suicide attempts. These factors should be taken into account when members of the clergy and mental health professionals advise adults who are considering marriage.
We should recognize that divorce may be unavoidable for the overall health and well-being of a family. As a regular facilitator of Catholic divorce support groups, I estimate that one in four participants disclose some form of intimate partner violence or abuse, consistent with the percentage of women nationwide who report such abuse. Dioceses and individual parishes working in divorce support should recognize the prevalence of intimate partner violence and be prepared to offer referrals to social service providers and mental health professionals. But even in these cases, there will be lingering grief and trauma for anyone closely associated with family separation and divorce.
Fortunately, Catholic marriage and family life ministries are now paying more attention to adults from divorced families. One example of this is Life-Giving Wounds, whose mission is to accompany adults with divorced parents and to give voice to their pain and seek healing. I have helped facilitate retreats and support programs for Life-Giving Wounds, and I can attest to the power of offering adults from divorced families the space for reflection necessary to grieve the loss of their parents’ relationship. For many participants, their parents’ divorce has affected differing aspects of their lives and yet is rarely acknowledged by their wider social networks. To be able to confront this reality in a Catholic retreat setting allows participants to recognize that the church is truly invested in their ongoing healing.
A heightened sense of distrust
Many adults from divorced families struggle in relationships. Cynicism is common; it is easy to focus on the negative aspects of relationships and to keep expectations low. Anxiety arises from a heightened sense of distrust and from regularly feeling “on guard” in relationships or in dealing with the prospect of one. Adults from divorced families may fall into negative patterns of behavior, originating in their own parents’ impulses and mistakes. Some may settle for subpar relationships, having internalized the belief that they are less worthy of mutual love and affection. Parental divorce primes people to view relationships as conditional or transactional.
Adults raised in divorced families may develop coping strategies that include some form of self-protection or isolation. This strategy backfires when the individual is not able to develop the vulnerability and intimacy necessary for authentic love to flourish. Pastoral ministers working in marriage preparation should be proactive in inquiring about each individual’s family history. If an individual seems initially reluctant to share, the pastoral minister can gently press by pointing out that every couple can benefit from learning from key familial relationships in their lives, both as positive and negative influences.
Besides working with families affected by divorce and separation, I co-lead my diocese’s retreats for engaged couples. As part of my testimony at those retreats, I mention my parents’ divorce. This is not meant merely as a cautionary tale; I also hope that it will encourage couples to speak openly with each other about their families of origin. I want them to share their takeaways from the relationship patterns that were modeled for them during childhood and adolescence, and I encourage couples to seek premarital counseling when it may be helpful.
During a picnic for separated and divorced Catholics, a group began to bond over their shared experience of having had pre-marriage relationships peppered with red flags. They all expressed regret that they had not paid more attention to these signs. I asked whether any of them had been significantly questioned about these matters by their marriage preparation ministers, but there were only shrugs in response.
Pastoral ministers who prepare couples for marriage need to be bold. If the church assumes that preparing for religious vocations takes years, why do more parishes not emphasize the ongoing discernment, prayer and basic self-awareness necessary to fully accept a vocational call to marriage? The church needs to be blunt. Some concerns—alcoholism, porn addiction, anger management issues, etc.—will not magically disappear after the wedding. Difficult conversations must occur so that couples can be better prepared for success. And if a couple decides not to get married, that decision is by no means a failure but rather an opportunity for each person to follow the path God has laid for them. In this sense, marriage preparation can be upheld as a true discernment process.
Difficult conversations in marriage preparation can serve as encouragement to those called to the sacrament. A young woman once confided to me that she was increasingly anxious as her relationship progressed. She radiated joy when she spoke of her boyfriend, but she had concerns that were rooted in her parents’ divorce. I told her what I believe to be true: Adults from divorced families who intentionally focus on healing will have distinct advantages in committed relationships. They intuitively understand that marriage requires work. They know that the relationship necessitates mutual respect. They recognize that the occasional romantic gesture will never compensate for the daily, consistent decisions made in consideration of the other. They value constructive communication and hone conflict resolution skills. They ultimately grasp the importance of never taking one’s spouse for granted.
Those who have prioritized their own healing will ultimately bring greater empathy and resilience to their marriages. For their witness, we should all be grateful.
