The National Catholic Review

LORD GRANTHAM: I’ve called you all together, family and servants, because I have just been handed a telegram by Carson. It seems there has been a papal election, and a Jesuit has been chosen.

DAISY: Ooh! I ‘ope it’s Father James Martin. ‘E’s such a nice smile!

MRS. PATMORE: Hush, Daisy. And listen.

LORD GRANTHAM: No, not Father Martin. It’s a South American Jesuit, from Buenos Aires.

COUNTESS GRANTHAM: Well, I had hoped it would be an American, but I was thinking, perhaps, Cardinal Dolan. He has such a "can-do attitude." That’s what those Catholics need now.

LORD GRANTHAM: The new pope has taken the name Francis, though in Argentina, he’s being called "Papa Pancho."

MRS. PATMORE: I knew an Italian baker once, named Francesco. Made wine on the side.

DOWAGER DUCHESS: A Jesuit from Buenos Aires? Pope Francis? Papa Pancho? What’s next? A royal prince dancing naked in Las Vegas?

MRS. ISOBEL CRAWLEY: I’m afraid, it’s been done before.

LORD GRANTHAM: They say that his preferred mode of transport is the autobus. That his Vatican car is now a Volkswagen.

TOM BRANSON: And right gladly would I drive ‘im, if I were still a chauffeur. That’s social justice, it is.

DOWAGER DUCHESS: Takes the bus? Rides in a Volkswagen? Heavens! What’s next? A mule?

MRS. ISOBEL CRAWLEY: I’m afraid, it’s been done before.

LORD GRANTHAM: And he appeared on the papal loggia wearing a simple white cassock and a plain pectoral cross. Evidently he’s eschewed the Prada shoes and gold cross.

O’BRIEN: Fine thing, unless you happen to sew for Prada. But who looks after the artisans?

THOMAS: The old Pope dressed so fine. That red Mozzetta on his shoulders, with a bit of ermine. And that Camauro cap when it was a nipper in Rome. Now there’s a gentlemen I could be a proper valet for.

O’BRIEN: Indeed, Thomas. Well, I believe the position is open if you care to inquire.

LORD GRANTHAM: I’ve just been handed another telegram by Carson. It’s from Pope Francis. It seems that, in the absence of a male heir, he is suggesting that Downton revert to its previous owners.

DOWAGER DUCHESS: Revert to its previous owners? My dear, Downton has been in the Crawley Family since his Royal Highness King Henry VIII bestowed it on the first Lord Grantham.

LORD GRANTHAM: That’s just it, Mother. As a question of justice, Pope Francis is suggesting we give it back to the Benedictines. That is, of course, why it’s called Downton Abbey.

DOWAGER DUCHESS: Heavens! Jesuits! Argentina! Busses! Give Downton back to the Benedictines? And what will we do then? Pray and brew beer? Walk on water?

MRS. ISOBEL CRAWLEY: I’m afraid it’s been done before.

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